Back To Myself


It’s been awhile since I’ve felt the urge to write anything so I gave myself some time off. I wasn’t feeling my best and was getting down with life in general. It lasted a few months, more than is normal for me. It’s not that I felt depressed, it’s more that I’m usually so positive about life that when I’m not feeling it, it can hit me hard. I know how to get myself back, meditation, rituals, just the act of lighting an incense stick daily can become a small ritual to ground me when done with intention. Usually these periods of not feeling like myself last a few days, but this time it lasted longer and there were moments that I was afraid I wouldn’t ever feel my usual uplifted self again. I can never articulate this to anyone, instead I become angry, moody and not all that great to live with! 

I always know it will pass though. I think if I didn’t know that then I would call it depression, but I know it isn’t. It’s just cycles of life. Everything flows and that means it’s not possible to be ‘up’ all the time. 

I wouldn’t want to be, because when I start to feel like myself again, positive, optimistic, blessed, that it’s such a beautiful feeling that to be like that constantly would mean I wouldn’t notice how fantastic it feels when I do. Without the dark we would never know the light. 

So I did what I know how to, carry on and do things that help me. 

I also decided to get serious about tarot. 

I have always loved tarot, having my cards read numerous times over the years, people who used them thrown into my path and becoming friends, but whenever I bought any for myself I always ended up coming home with a beautiful box of either angel tarot or oracle cards. Whenever I picked up a pack of actual, traditional tarot I got scared and put them back on the shelf. But sat at my desk one day, the thought just came into my head that I needed some new cards. I knew I was going to buy the ones that had previously made me feel uneasy, I just knew I was ready. I went out that afternoon and bought the Rider Waite deck. I picked them off the shelf and they just felt ‘right’.

It was actually perfect timing. Tarot, I believe, doesn’t for-tell your future, it should be looked at as more of a guide. Something to use that helps show you the best way forward. And that was what I needed, something to guide me back to myself, and something to loose myself in when I wanted to get away from all the overthinking I was doing. The ritual of just sitting, lighting a candle, getting quiet and holding the cards before shuffling and pulling one is so soothing to me. I am pulling a daily card and posting to Twitter. It’s so good to read them, intuitively as well as learning more traditional meanings of cards and then seeing how they relate back to my day. It’s amazing how during 1 week the same card can pop up, I always take that to mean it’s serious, whatever the message is, it definitely needs to be worked through. I am loving the process of learning with these cards. I feel like the time was right, I was always going to end up reading with tarot, I knew that, I just didn’t know when.

I’m not saying that if your feeling down go and get some cards….. I’m saying that it’s normal to feel off your game, and when you do, find something that resonates with your soul. It might be going out and listening to band while getting drunk, it might be a daily cup of tea sat in your garden listening to the birds, it could be anything, the only thing that matters is that it feels good and true to you.

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