I stopped writing because I just wasn’t feeling it. I felt I should be an amazing content creator and I couldn’t live up to my own expectations.
When I read that back it just seems ridiculous. I should have been writing because I love to write. It should have been for myself, because it makes me happy, because when I’m letting my soul spill out onto the paper it leaves me feeling lighter, it leaves me feeling free.
I stopped writing here and six months ago I started writing again. I picked up a pen, took some paper and started to write what I needed. Some of these essays will never be read by anyones eyes but my own, but in the process of writing about things I’d held onto I became unstuck. I let things go that I’d held onto for far too long. Writing has become my release.
I named my blog Authentically Natalie Jane as that’s what I wanted to be, authentic to myself. See how I said wanted, I wasn’t there yet. Now I am.
I can now write from a place of genuine happiness that’s grounded in knowing I am the only person who can make me happy. I have realised that life should always be about how I am feeling, not how I am being perceived by others. It doesn’t matter what anothers opinion of me is.
When I die will I care about what other people thought of me? How they judged me? If they decided whether I was ‘good enough’ or not? No, I don’t believe I will care. I think the only concern I’ll have if whether I spent my life following my smile, following what fills up my heart with love, and so that is what I have been doing.
Some people maintain that to live like this is selfish but I suspect if more people started to care more about their happiness, stopped being critical of others choices, stopped being critical of their own choices too, then this world would be a far happier place.
There is a quote that came back to me again and again. Diane Von Furstenberg said ” I didn’t know what I wanted to do, I just knew the sort of woman I wanted to be.” This resonated with me so much. I imagine it does with a lot of women.
I am 38 and my life is still unfolding. I don’t know what is going to happen or where I’m going but what I have figured out is who I want to be on that journey.
I want to be someone who is happy, someone who smiles often and laughs even more. Someone who uplifts others, who helps them to see how amazing they are. I want to be that woman who is so sure of her own worthiness, no matter what her reality looks like. I want to be a mother whose children know they can come to for unwavering support and love. I want to be someone who doesn’t judge others, who knows everyones path looks different and that everything is exactly as it should be.
This is what I have been working on, becoming authentic to me.
I am not everyones cup of tea.
I believe in the healing power of crystals, I believe we are surrounded by a loving Universe and it is there to bring us exactly what we ask for, intentionally or not. If we want to create a happy life we have to think happy thoughts, if we want an abundant life we have to think thoughts of unlimited abundance and thanks. I look for the good in everything and everyone. I hold space for my friends to be themselves. I sage cleanse my home. I shout when I’m angry, but then I’m quickly calm again. I love with all my heart, I always have done. I like myself.
Out of all those statements I like myself is the most important one. That is what I have been searching for. Learning to like and love myself took a lot of work. Most people don’t even realise that they’ve never taken the time to get to know themselves, so they can’t know whether they like themselves or not.
Accepting and loving yourself, all the good parts as well as the darker places is life changing. I could talk about it all day long.
I’m not sure you can categories this blog, but I do know it will reflect me, my lifestyle and my beliefs. If it gets 1 view or 100 it doesn’t matter. What matters is that by writing it I’ve followed my joy, which is ultimately what matters most.